father issues

I’m so unsure and confused at the moment…

I just got an email from my father… wanting to be apart of my life.

We’ve been fighting for more than a year… things have been really bad… we stopped talking completely after our last big fight more than two months ago.

Our entire relationship has been very brutal… and I dunno how I can trust him, but he seems so sincere this time…

” Hi. Can you please let me know how you’re doing and where you’re at? Do you have a good address and phone number? I’d really like to talk to you. If you don’t want to talk to me that’s your choice but I really don’t want to have that kind of father/daughter relationship. Please let me know what’s going on. I love you.
Dad”

… I want everything to work… I dont want it to be bad anymore.

Babbling

… my best friend has me thinking… I’ve always loved children and I’ve always wanted two kids… a boy named Jace and a girl named Jennesy.. she asked a friend of hers why he wanted kids… and then asked me and I couldn’t really awnser.. so this is my “babble” to tell myself why I want kids.

Well first off… I love kids.

I want the chance to be a great mother…

I want to be able to complete devote myself to my children and their lives…

Any one can have a child, it takes complete love and devotion to call yourself parents.

I know you dont always like your children, but you always love them.. and you wont always get along…

I want to be able to raise a child in my image… yet let them be whatever and whoever they want to be…

Mmm.. this didnt really help any. xD I duno.

It doesnt help I suppose that I dont think I’ll find someone who’ll love me for me, who’ll have kids with me.

OMG its so warm xD

I cannot believe its this hot on Christmas Eve!! Its like 60 degrees

Super Stressed and Wishing You a Merry Christmas

Another year come and gone and all that jazz… here soon starts 2009.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, hope your Christmas is a rock your socks off over the edge kinda holiday and that no one gets hurt lol. My holiday will be small and simple… Actually Christmas will be moving day >>

I’m really stressed out.. not all of it is bad, but I’m super stressed.

Okay … not in any particular order, just in what comes to mind first…

My truck is having problems shifting from 1st gears to 2nd gear, its also leaking anti freeze and I cant find the leak, it makes an odd thuding noise every 15 minutes or so when I’m driving, I dont have any money, I move here in a couple days to the next town over, the apartments water and stuff still isnt on, thankfully we FINALLY have electricity, Chad is moving here in a few days, I’m worried he isnt gonna like me in person, I’m worried what I’m gonna do if both Christina and Chad fall in love with me, I’m annoyed with my self for even thinking such a think can happen because I’m really not that awesome, I just pretend that I am, but most people probably see right through that, terra is being amazing and taking care of everything which makes me feel like a shmuck caz I dont have any money to pay for any of this stuff that we need and terra is taking care of me and trying to put me through school and I’m doing what I can which is actually not much at all, My financial aid for school HAS NOT come in yet which is driving me nuts caz I need it by the 5th or i’m not gonna be able to get in the semester, I cant get a loan to pay for the other half of school, fighting with my brother, can barely afford to pay my father for the stupid truck, Chad cant live with us at the new apartment caz the landlord wont let more than terra and me be on the lease and no one who is over 18 can live in the house and not be on the lease, i really like Christina – I’m worried she doesnt or wont like me lol, I’m having trouble juggling this polygamous stuff lol, I miss sex lol, I still think about Jake way to much, its Christmas time and I cant afford to get people presents and stuff and I want to very much, they all understand they say but still I feel like a shmuck…  Aye, its absolutely insane and I’m really stressed out and trying way to hard to hide it… I want to hang with everyone before I move to Cruces.

I love y’all

<3 Forever intensely Me

I duno how to be…

I duno how to be… its a really long story and I’m not going to type it out but I had to write something so I could get this out of my head and away from me. I’m not cocky or fun or a challenge or any of that jazz and I wish I was… maybe then the person I love would love me. He doesnt love me… we broke up a month and a half ago, and he just met my best friend today, who I know he’s going to love because she is cocky and fun and a challenge and insane and I love her, and she’ll challenge his mind which is what he wants and needs… she’ll never date him or anything like that caz it would hurt me. Alot. I always told myself and everyone else that I wouldnt care if a friend dated one of my exes; I’ve never cared before.. but with this one I do… it kills me just to think about… I feel incredibly pathetic that I cant get over him, I’ve become another stupid pathetic ex girlfriend who pines over her guy who isnt her guy… I really duno what to do. I wish I could stop liking him so much and that he’d stop playing with my head and tell me the truth about everything. I am pathetic. Really hardcore pathetic. … kinda like… No wonder he doesnt want to be with me, at this point I dont want to be with me either.

Meh.

10 ways for a woman to have fun and relax

Every woman needs to take time for herself, to have fun, to relax, and just to let loose. The following ten are all from experiences of mine, my best friends, or my mothers. 

10. Before stowing you heavy coat in the back of your closet after winter, tuck $20 in the pocket as next winter’s first surprise.

9. Call in sick when you’re not. Stay in bed, read the paper or a book, and venture out for an early dinner at five. 

8. Send roses to a man, even if you aren’t interested in men. Rather it be a co-worker, a boyfriend, a best guy friend, whoever. Try to be around when they receive the flowers, so you can see their reaction. Send it anonymously if you have to.

7. Buy yourself a beautiful bouquet of your favorite flowers. Every time you see them, remind yourself that they are from someone special. 

6. Wake up in the t-shirt he/she went to bed wearing.

5. Invite your girlfriends over for sexy salad night. Make sure they come bursting with their most audacious sexual tale. Whoever tells the most entertaining tale wins the “Sexy Salad” title until the next sexy salad night. You’ll impress them with the salad of course!

Salad::

Chicken Breasts, Lettuce, 5 cups mesclun greens, 1 red pepper diced, parmesan-flavored croutons, cherry tomatoes, 1 bermuda onion, 11 ounces of cheese (preferably goat cheese).

Dressing::

½ cup olive oil, ½ cup balsamic vinegar, 1 tbsp Dijon mustard, salt and pepper to taste.

Grill the chicken. Toss togther the lettuce, greens, pepper, tomatoes, and onion.

Mix the dressing ingredients together and toss with salad. Place the warm grilled chicken, along with the cheese on top. Sprinkle with croutons. Serve and let the stories roll! 

4. Have a barbeque after a good snow fall. Make snow angels and snowmen. Have a snowball fight. Treat your inner child.

3. Borrow someone’s kid as an excuse for doing something you really want to do: go to the zoo and feed the ducks, head to the beach and build sand castles, make a mess finger painting, make gingerbread men. 

2. Wake up and pack a picnic. Grab a friend, a lover, or whoever and hop in your car. Go, just go with no predestination. Ask random people which direction you should go and see where the day takes you.

1. Bury your best guy friend or boyfriend/hubby in the sand. Give him breasts. But, be sure to take a picture and send it to all his friends. In fact, send it to me, and I’ll post it here. ^_^

<3 Forever, Intensely Me!

Liberal – Conservative blah blah blah

There’s not a Liberal America and a Conservative America, there’s a United States of America. – Barack Obama

I was arguing with my brother the other day. It’s nothing new, siblings argue constantly. We were arguing about the typical subject; Free Expression – people dressing and looking however they want. I think its great; someone can have a million piercings and a foot long rainbow Mohawk, and I’ll say great, as long as they are happy, and Nate will say “what a f***ing moron, how can he go into public looking that stupid.” From that, we’d argue for the next hour, and it would end with me just not talking to him.
Well, Last time we fought… two days ago. We were in the grocery store, and Nate pointed out this mother with short purple hair, with piercings in a black punky dress, with a toddler on her hip with matching purple hair, and a five-ish year old son with a Mohawk. He thought it was the stupidest damn thing he’d ever seen, and I got mad at him, saying its what they want to do, its what they like. He turned to me, gave me this odd look, and called me a liberal, and has barely talked to me since. XD I’m like WTF is a liberal? I actually had to ask my best friend what the difference between liberal and conservative was. He called me a liberal as if it would insult me… I dont know how that was supposed to insult me… on the same lines, it wouldnt have insulted me if he’d called me a conservative either. Politics is the most confusing damn thing in the world. I will never involve myself in politics. There isnt any real point. I walked into the living room today, and my brother was watching a debate between a supposed “liberal” and a supposed “conservative”. I watched for a few minutes, trying to get a grasp on what was going on. The only thing that I even understood, was that the dude on the left didnt like immigrants. *shrugz* I mentioned this to my brother and he looked at my like I had two heads. He barely talks to me anymore, because HE labeled me a “liberal”, but then again things havent been the same between us since he found out I was Bi.

Honestly, do you walk down the street saying he’s a liberal, oh oh he’s a conservative, look she’s a liberal. ?? this… is just like prejudice to me. Racism, Sexism, Homophobia, on and on and on. XD I dont get it. I see this guy, right next to him I see another guy, next to him I see a woman. Thats all I see!

*shakes head* I dont get it. I really dont.

Anyone got opinions on this? I’d love to hear them. I really would. No matter what side you take. I’d love to hear what you have to say. If you disagree with anything I’ve said, I’d love to hear it. Honestly.

<3 Forever, Intensely Me!

Fear

            My whole life, I’ve had very few fears… my biggest fear was always disappointing my loved ones, closely followed by white spiders (I know, I know, odd fear heh). I’ve never been one to scare easy. Yet today I managed to freak myself out. It only lasted a few seconds, in which I about panicked, heh, but I got over it, and then felt very silly about it.

Today while playing solitaire with my youngest brother, Graydon, he mentioned his seventeenth birthday on February 25th. It made me think about my birthday, a month and three days after his; except, I’m turning twenty. It’s still seven months and a day away… but, I’m not gonna be a teenager anymore! *fear* *shock* Heh, I had never thought about it before… and its not going to change anything… except that I’m not going to be considered a kid anymore. But I was a child, and then I was a teenager… I was excited to become a teenager. Wow, twenty. It’s hard to believe, but its right there, and before I know it, it’ll be tomorrow. Twenty. I’ll be truly leaving adolescence… thought on the inside, I’ll always be a kid. It’s so strange to think about it… I don’t even know if I’m making any sense… do you know what I mean? Heh. Part of me wishes I could go back to being a kid, and start over, but then I could do something different and not become who I am now, and not ever have met Terra, and that would suck. I’m really happy with who I am… it’s just such a shock to have the big two – oh, being practically right around the corner yet down the road a ways…   O_o? Did anything I just typed make any sense? I hope it did… but wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t.

 

I’m not one to be scared of much… I don’t fear death, pain, or tomorrow, etc. I don’t fear aging… yet turning 20, seems really scary to me, even though I know it wont change me.

 

Has anyone ever felt like this? About any age? Did turning a certain age change anything about who you are? I’m just curious as usual. ^_^ Do you have any phobias in general?

 

<3 Forever, Intensely Me

A life in the fast lane…

A year ago, when I thought about now, I expected to be someplace different. I dont know what I expected, but it wasnt this.

This isnt a bad thing. I recently graduated from high school (May ’07). I dont have a car, partially because I dont have a license, and also because I dont have any money; but that is my fault completely, for I do not have a job. But, I’m no complaining, not even attempting to complain. For the past three months, since I graduated I’ve been living in a dream world, that some magical thing was suddenly going to swoop in and I’d be living the adult life, I expected to be living, when I thought about now, a year ago.

 

I have legs, I can walk to work. There are a million places hiring, if I put in the effort to apply. I want to go to college; which I finally applied for, and finally sent my transcripts in for. Now, I am waiting for a letter of either acceptance or rejection. Preferably the first, but if not, oh well, there are a million other universities and colleges I can apply to.

 

I’ve had a lot of time alone lately, with just me and my thoughts. My brothers started school again a couple weeks ago, and my father works during the day. So I’m home alone. I’m the stay at home mom person minus the mom part. I clean all day, and cook every meal. Again, not complaining, because I chose to be here. I’m 19, there are an unlimited number of places I could be, but I chose here, with my father.

 

In this time that I’ve been lost in my thoughts, I finally know what I truly want out of my life (besides the career path).

I would love more than anything, to eventually live straight smack in the middle of the US. Well, near a lake, but as close to the middle of the US as possible and still live near a lake. I have family in Texas, New Mexico, Nebraska, Colorado, and Minnesota, primarily. So if I live in the very middle of the US, I can live in the middle of everyone. I would love a big family, lots of kids, a loving hubby, and a medium sized house in a nice neighborhood. The reason I chose this, is because I would love very much to have a full house all the time. Surrounded by friends and family all the time. Holidays everyone would gather at my house, for feasts and such. I’d cook huge meals (after all, I do love cooking) and there’d be lots of laughter and fun and joy. I cant say there wont be bad times, there always are, but you take those in stride.

I know I want lots of kids, but at the very least I want one boy and one girl. I already have their names picked out. LOL, and oddly they both start with J, I just noticed that… Jace and Jennesy.

Career wise, I want a very fast paced job, something that keeps me going, without burning me out on a daily basis… now, question is, what does that contend to? ^_^ No idea.

 I have often wondered what other people want to do with their lives… so few people actually know, if you would refer to my Happily Ever After post, most people just go with the flow. The off chance that I have any readers, I’d be quite happy to hear what you want out of your life, your dreams, your ambitions, and what you’ve done with you life, however not like you expected it to be. ^_^

This is me, in all my glory. ^_^ As beautiful and as intensely me as I can be. *hugz*

 

<3 Forever, Intensely Me

Happily Ever After

I was talking to a friend earlier today, who told me she had given up her hope of living ‘Happily Ever After’.  My first thought was no one lives happily ever after… and I almost told her that… but then I though, I’m gonna live happily ever after… and no one is gonna change that…

I think the reason people dont live happily ever after, is because they dont let themselves.  They wake up, go to work, come home, eat, clean, go to bed, and rewind.  They blame the government, media, alcohol, etc. etc. for the way things are in their lives. They settle down with the first person they get their hands on, and live in the cheapest place they can find.

People will sit there and complain about their lives and their jobs and their spouse, yet never do anything to fix it. Never let themselves live or enjoy the moment. Always worried about what someone else is going to think of them, they work themselves into the circle of paranoia, and therefore refuse to be spontaneous or do something just because they want to.

“It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis” – Margaret Bonnano

What they need to do, is just relax. Let go of the pointless and stressful ideal the media has washed over you, take time for yourself, and do something that makes you happy. Indulge in something that will let you live the way you want to live. Dont fall into routine. ^_^

Why do I think I’m gonna live happily ever after? Because I said so ^_^ and nothing and no one can change what I do for me.

Love yourself, trust yourself, and dont let anyone take that away from you.

<3 Forever, Intensely Me, AKA Krissy